Notice of Security Incident The New Yorker

pFind anything you save across the site in your account ppBy Jay KatsirppDear DataBreach VictimppBy now you are aware that you are the victim of a data breach You assumed as much because the only mail you receive amounts to notices of data breaches medical bills and solicitations to donate to a good cause maybe with a little graphic of a snowflake or a hopeful puppy or a gallbladder around the address window whose senders will eventually contact you about a data breach Your mail also sometimes contains postcards from your mother who is certainly the victim of a data breach She probably just gave her data away after clicking on a sponsored Google result that said Real Rapid Passport Renewal Easy OnlineppPlease know that we take your privacy very seriously In fact that seriousness is why you have no idea who we are or why we have your data But rest assured when we purchased your data we placed it under maximum encryption separating your home address from MRI images of your most vulnerable bones Regrettably an incident occurred involving the part of our network that stores digital replicas of your nude abdomen after youve eaten beef pad ThaippThis notice describes the databreach incident the steps we have taken in response and what you can do nextppWhat HappenedppIn or around November or February 201824 we detected suspicious activity within our system It was not like in the movies where a big red ALERT message flashes onscreen but there was a honking Klaxon alarm and someone with a VR headset whispered This wasnt in the expletive training manual We are working with a cybersecurity firm to identify the missing expletiveppWhat Information Was InvolvedppYour name SSN TIN if thats different still unclear credit score most embarrassing bowling score and favorite fruit plus the wildest place youve ever done it the name of the street where you grew up and all of the above for everyone who has ever done it in a wild place on the street where you grew up behind a mailboxppWas This Identity TheftppYou seem to be asking a lot of questions Who are you anyway One of the identity thievesppCircle YNppWhat Constitutes Your IdentityppYoure pretty far into life and you still dont know Most days youre not much more than the sum of your insecurities If left alone for more than a few minutes without the structure of routine you begin to cry You cant identify what it means to be yourself let alone a human being In the end did you choose your career simply to better understand your parents How is it that when they were your age they moved so naturally through the adult world And have you seen this thing about plastistone rocks Its a new form of sedimentary geology stones fused with plastic garbage have been found on multiple continents the same plastics that lurk inside your cells and within your kids progress and negligence intertwined on the downslope of historyppAll of your defining uncertainty was stolen and is being used by criminals to buy rufflehem Capris on strawberryfashioncomppWhat Are We DoingppIn addition to sending this noticewhich wasnt that hard but wasnt like no workwe are offering you eighteen months of free identity monitoring from SecurIDeadbolt the only AIpowered frauddetection app endorsed by John Cena or a convincing likeness of John Cena In addition we are investigating whether we can train a dog to sniff out malware His name is Rusty please send us five dollars in the enclosed envelope to sponsor his workppWhat Can You DoppWe recommend the following steps to protect your informationpp Remain vigilant While one eye reads this sentence the other should scan the room for fraudsters and mountebanks There By the bookshelf Hm no Thats just your beloved parakeet Berniepp Set up fraud alerts by contacting one of the three major credit bureaus Experiman Snarlax TransDunkin Anyone who requests your credit report will receive a message thatwait behind the sofa is that a masked swindler Approach with caution he hasnt seen you yet There thats it And    aha Never mind Just that clumsy footman cleaning up a spill Seems to have dropped his saucer of private datapp For California residents Must be nice to live out there in the sun and surfppIs There More Information You Should KnowppYes but were not just going to put it here where anyone can steal it See Were already rebuilding your trust ppTheres been an accident at the magical cookie factoryppWhat are you fond of Samuel AlitoppThe things no one tells you about parentingppWhere stars keep their OscarsppWhat book blurbs really meanppThe Real Housewives of Roku CityppEnter the Cartoon Caption Contest for a chance to appear in the magazineppFollow newyorkercartoons on Instagram and sign up for the Daily Humor newsletter for more funny stuffppBy Eyal PressppBy Susan B GlasserppBy Eric LachppBy David RemnickppSectionsppMorepp 2024 Condé Nast All rights reserved The New Yorker may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part 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